DEAR (Choose One):
Derogatory for Excrement or Excretory Oriface
Profanity for male reproductive organs
Expletive for female reproductive organs
one of the above followed by "head", "face", or "for brains"
Worse name than any of the above

You are all a bunch of:
Derogation denoting stupidity
Profanity indicating unusually fragrant Excretory Oriface
Expletive for Reproductive Organs (dealer's choice)
Slang denoting particularly rampant homosexuality
any of the above, except for Rand who's really nice

Who can't (check all that apply):
sing
play guitar
write songs
navigate the sophisticated political minefield that is Fandom
all of the above, plus you're fat

I:
hate you
wish you ill fortune and misery
am actively planning your grisly death
secretly desire you, but hide my lust behind a mask of maniacal hatred
it's a rich tapestry; let's just say that I'm not a fan.

In summary:
Go to (insert religious netherworld of your choice)
Kiss my (insert body part of your choice)
Have conjugal relations with a (insert uncomfortable object/ferocious animal of your choice)
Any of the above, plus the horse you rode in on